32 Signs You’re Not A Hipster Anymore

I’m just gonna go ahead and come out and say it: I used to be a card-carrying hipster. And back in the day, I had a lot of fun with that. For one, the group wasn’t as universally loathed as they are now. If you can even believe it, kids, it was actually considered kind of cool to be one. Parties were filled with really hot skater dudes and fun, gorgeous chicks with edgy style and everyone was really into art and music and fashion and it was pretty rad. American Apparel was still some T-shirt shop in L.A., new bands like The Strokes and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs made going to see live music in NYC fun again, Friendster made hooking up a cinch, Chloe Sevigny always brought the party; and Williamsburg, Brooklyn really was a humble yet cool place where real live artists moved because Manhattan was too expensive.

For better or worse, my 20s are over, I’ve been shacked up with a great non-hipster dude who I am going to marry, I’m renovating a property I purchased, I did my taxes a month early, and I’ve started to notice some other major indicators that I can no longer identify as a hipster. (Guess I’m a yuppie now? Shudder.) Anyhoo, here are a few ways to tell if you too have grown up and are no longer a hipster.

1. You haven’t worn your hoodie in a few weeks.
2. Ditto goes for your trusty beat-up Converse.
3. Those American Apparel ads are starting to creep you out.
4. You can’t remember the last time you read Vice. Or Nylon, for that matter.
5. Last time you went to see a band, you wished: A) you had ear plugs in and B) there was some place to sit.
6. You go to bed before midnight at least five days of the week.
7. You’re not quite sure who Lissy Trullie is exactly.
8. You got a gym membership, and actually go on a fairly regular basis.
9. You’re not hung over right now.
10. You use Facebook to connect with your family.
11. The Selby is not in your place.
12. You can’t remember the last time you checked out last night’s party pics.
13. Fashion people sound like pretentious snobs, whereas there was a time when you didn’t feel this way.
14. Instead of going to boozy brunches, you prefer to do lunch.
15. Seems to you, Kari Ferrell deserved to go to jail.
16. You haven’t a clue who Kari Ferrell is, actually.
17. You went to art school, but you’ve been working a 9-to-5 office job for way longer at this point.
18. You celebrated Christmas and other major holidays.
19. You finally quit smoking.
20. You wear headbands around your crown, not your forehead.
21. You have to admit it, Opening Ceremony is insanely overpriced.
22. You stopped pirating music and movies and pay for them instead.
23. You opened a savings account.
24. You let your blogspot go.
25. You’re not really sure how to buy drugs, not that you would want to.
26. Your hair is all one shade and length.
27. Urban Outfitters feels like the juniors section. You realize the store actually is one big juniors section.
28. You purchased curtains and/or cloth dinner napkins.
29. You are engaged to your roommate.
30. You went to a gallery opening, and actually looked at the art.
31. Instead of the $2 Pabst, you spring for the $6 microbrew from upstate.
32. You own property upstate.