Everyone knows any self-respecting hipster (oxymoron?) loathes Starbucks and, like, working full-time, but until I started reading the blog, Stuff Hipsters Hate, I guess I didn’t quite realize there was so much else that drives them batty. Thankfully, hipsters hate so much stuff that the wickedly funny blog is not in danger of running out of things to cover any time soon. After the jump, nine things you may not realize get under hipsters’ (pale) skin.
1. Healthy Relationships
“Love shouldn’t be easy—it should be a struggle. That’s why I date crazy girls/emotionally distant boys who will inevitably leave me broken and wailing into my whiskey, act aloof and unfeeling when stalking new romantic prey and frequently hook up with my best friends. I take all my relationship cues from books by Bukowski, Murakami and Salinger.”
2. Real Beds
“Although the majority of hipsters probably grew up lolling around on a canopy bed in a sea of stuffed bears and turtles (desperately asking God why, at 16 years old, they still have not had their first kiss), when they strike out on their own the lack of a “real” bed becomes a rite of passage. Be it someone else’s couch, an air mattress or a twin bed haunted by spirits from the great beyond—a f***ed-up bed is far preferable to anything Sleepy’s can offer.”
3. Strong Declarative Speech
“Um, as any hipster will tell you, there’s something to be said for peppering your language, especially written communication, with fillers. I thiiiiink the weak-sounding hipsterese is supposed to make ‘em sound, like, cute. But they kinda don’t get that they, uh, sound like low-functioning valley girls.” I’d also say this included ending every sentence — or sentence fragment — with a question mark?
4. Contact Lenses
Despite a penchant for “plastic-framed coke-bottle glasses,” and a “general distaste for health care professionals,” “there really are an awful lot of hipsters with perfect eyesight. Have you noticed that? Maybe it’s God trying to make amends for their traumatic adolescence or something.”
5. Furthering the Conversation
“Hipsters love talking about themselves. Ask them a question and they’ll answer it in full. Follow up with another query and they’ll merrily continue. But they’re missing that critical brain structure that compels most people, at some point, to break in with, “…and what about you, where did you grow up?” Stop asking questions and you’ll be met with crickets. At that point, said hipster will sip deeply from his Tecate, gaze around the room and awkwardly slink away.”
6. Bras
“Hipster girls hate wearing them and hipster boys hate when girls wear them. When you’re so emaciated that your chest resembles that of virginal 10-year-old girl, a bra is just one more piece of expensive fabric that you have to wash, and one more article of clothing a hipster dude has to peel off when you’re both drunk and skinny-dipping in your heiress BFF’s rooftop pool.”
7. Seth Rogen
“He is the face of the emerging bromance movie genre, and while hipsters love real-life bromances (two five-o’clock-shadowed dudes sleepily brunching together at Enid’s…aww!), the movies sum up everything that’s wrong with this country.”
8. Washing Their Hair
“Whether it’s a carefully arranged angular coiffure, a mess of wild curls or a Jesus mop complete with a creeping beard that sprouts along one’s face like moss creeping along the forest floor, the structural integrity of a hipster’s hair is severely jeopardized by water. Forget ‘lather, rinse, repeat’—a hipster hair-washing comes at regular, widely spaced intervals—like the rise and fall of the full moon.”
9. Their New Album
“Irrespective of how good it is. Hipsters have been listening to these guys for years, and they like their old stuff better.”